It was a rough few days...
Massive build up of anti-convulsants. Succumbed to a massive kidney infection--- am fighting fever (102) and attempting to be calm. Have had many medicines removed, still on Topomax, but almost maxed out on headache and seizure drugs, almost overdosed. Still waiting kidney ultrasounds and urine tests. Pain is--well. Working on sitting still and being calm.
Had an up-kick in griefs and anxiety with Friday's events---seeing a news photo with WBC's plans to protest the funerals of those beautiful babies- of a baby- a child-holding those signs-took the grief, the overwhelming I was already getting- I needed to turn off news earlier than I did, for my sanity- those signs broadcasting hate, in tiny, chubby hands that should have been holding a crayon to make a sign that said "I love you, Mommy"... brought out so much rage. God help me, had I had a Phelps in front of me at that moment, weak and sick or not.
But- this 3rd week of Advent- it's meant to be the week of Joy. I wasn't feeling it, for all these reasons. Everyone's sick, we're facing evil, gun debates are flaring, people are using God's name for unspeakable hatred. But---I was shown, in the darkness, that among all that, among unspeakable darkness and sadness, is unspeakable joy as well. I need to say my prayers- for hope, for peace- maybe naming a few as I go- "For family who can't be with us, for friends who are sick, for me, for those who are gone- we give you thanks, we ask for your peace, your light, your blessing."